Happy Panic Productions

Best description of R2-D2

"... a farting animatronic trash can that basically functions as Lassie-in-space ('what's that, girl R2?')."

"Why can't I stop loving Gloomy so much?"

It's the story of a boy who brings home a wild bear cub and, despite his mother's protests, keeps it for a pet. When the bear grows up, he attacks the boy. That's Gloomy, the Naughty Adult Bear.

"It is only natural that a bear attacks humans. I wanted to express that in a cute manner."

I absolutely love this.

Roger, Ebert, I read you: Kingdom of Heaven (2005)

I really liked this movie. The political themes were pretty thoughtful, the acting wasn't as bad as I'd heard (though Orlando Bloom doesn't get as much mileage out of his sole facial expression as he thinks he does), and the military tactics on display actually made sense (though when will a Hollywood swordsman keep his doggone shield in front of his body while he fights?).

Other than taking one sentence to spell out unnecessarily every plot point of the movie, I only have this bit from Ebert:

There is also exhilarating footage of young Balian makes his way to Jerusalem, using the 12th-century equivalent of GPS: "Go to where they speak Italian, and then keep going." The line that I recall is "Go to where the men speak Italian, then keep going until they speak something else."

As Jim was quick to point out, Goldie's hair is colored yellow in Sin City. Of course, Goldie! How could I have forgotten. I guess that's why I shouldn't wait a month to test my movie memory against Ebert's.

Roger, Ebert, I read you: Sin City (2005)

I owe you this one from about a month ago.

It's a black-and-white world, except for blood, which is red, eyes which are green, hair which is blond, and the Yellow Bastard. Sort of a nitpick, but some of the most striking visuals in the movie were when the blood wasn't red. And was anyone's hair ever colored at all? I don't remember it.

It contains characters who occupy stories, but to describe the characters and summarize the stories would be like replacing the weather with a weather map. Isn't this precisely how Ebert makes his living? Why the sudden change of heart?

The actors are mined for the archetypes they contain; Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Benicio Del Toro, Clive Owen and the others are rotated into a hyperdimension. I count one and a half archetypes contained in that list, at best.

Underneath everything is a deeper layer of corruption, involving a senator (Powers Boothe) whose son is not only the pedophile but also.... Spoiler!

In a movie that uses nudity as if the 1970s had survived, Rosario Dawson's stripper is a fierce dominatrix... She's not a stripper, she's a hooker! You said so yourself two paragraphs ago!

Continuing the same sentence: ...Carla Gugino shows more skin than she could in Maxim, and Devon Aoki employs a flying guillotine that was borrowed no doubt from a circa-1970 Hong Kong exploiter. The flying guillotine is an example of 1970s-style nudity?

The costumes are from the trench coat and G-string era. Huh?

Doing my own bidding

So I put a bid on a house. Waiting to hear if they accept. Excited. (Seller, if you're reading this because you're researching my motivation: I have no more money. Let me also point out that it looks like a quarter of your house is sinking into the ground. Yes I am crazy enough to buy it regardless, but not so crazy that I'll pay another cent!)

I am looking forward to not having to commute from Dearborn. I can only remember one time when a highway in Chicago was completely closed because of an accident, and that was a spill from a chemical truck. Here in the Detroit Metro Area, it's a regular occurrence. Furthermore, a disproportionate number of traffic accidents seem to happen in a span of 5 miles just east of my exit to get to or from work. On consecutive days, there was a multi-vehicle smash-up that caused I-94 to be closed for over 45 minutes, and a semi that jack-knifed and spilled its fuel all over the highway. Just yesterday, a semi broke down in the middle lane, and the left lane was closed for emergency overpass repair, within 1 mile of each other. A couple weeks ago, a bank robbery/highway chase/vehicle rollover kept me on the road nearly an hour longer than necessary. The Idling Motor City is more like it.

But that's not all! The people who brought you the Michigan Left (i.e. you must do a right and two lefts to avoid a left) have launched a program by which 25% of all exit/entrance ramps are torn up at once. Get to any interchange, and at least one ramp will be closed and probably demolished, with no visible work being done. Of course, at the interchange I use to get home, the ramp in my direction is the one that's closed. This is why I'm trying to buy a house on a bus line. (Buyer's motivation spoiler!)